When kids turn adults and vice-versa...

For weekend after weekend for the past year & a half, my routine has been the same - get
onto a train to Kerala to spend time with my son. I avoid even feeble attempts at trying to calculate the amount I have paid to Indian Railways, because I know it would be substantial enough to give me a mild heart attack. But do I regret it ? Would I do it another way, if given another chance ?

No way. No amount of money can substitute for the happiness I get by spending time with
my son. Playing with him, talking to him, hear him talk, watch his naughty actions, take him swimming in the river, have him tag along for a fishing session etc etc. Each & every act of
mine while at Kerala depends upon the impact it will have on him. For eg., I just quit the odd night out with friends because I will miss him for those 2-3 hours.

While most of what he does and says is typical kiddy behaviour, we saw one behaviour which
has us all flummoxed. He is all excited when he comes to the station with my Dad to pick me
up. They usually park the car under the shade of a tree by the side of the road that runs along
the railway track. As I walk to the car, he would be standing on the front seat and can identify me from far and is all happy.

But the moment I open the car door, get in and take him in my arms, he goes all silent. His
face takes on a kind of silent & sad expression and he would not say even a word. And this
is the same kid who till I came, had been talking animatedly with my Dad. As my Dad drives
us home, he would just sit in my lap. I would kiss him all over and we indulge in a kind of
bonding exercise that over time has become a routine unique to us. I would hold his cheeks against mine and we would remain that way for many minutes. He would just stay stationary
all the time, with his face against mine.

In around 10 minutes we would reach home. He would still not talk anything, inspite of my
wife & Mom trying their best to make him talk. This lasts for another 10 minutes, after which
he would return to his usual happy, talkative self. Since we have no clue why he becomes so silent like this, we think it could be because after missing me for all of the week, he becomes speechless due to happiness on seeing me again. I guess his little heart is unable to make any sense of why I am there for 2 days and then vanish for the next 5 days.

And once I am there, the only time he will let me out of his sights is when he is sleeping. For every moment otherwise, he will keep me within range, which I guess is because he thinks
that I will vanish again if he lets me out of his sight. This does lead to situations where I have
to wait for him to sleep if I have to even do something as trivial as take a bath. Else, he would stand outside the bathroom & keep banging on the door and calling out my name, for which
he has 3 favourite variations. He started off by calling me "Biju", then based on my Mom's exhortation (a kid calling its parent by name wasn't acceptable to her, though I myself had
no issues about that) he graduated to "Biju pappa". And recently, he has added "Biju pappa-ji" also as a variant - though we have no idea where he picked up the 'ji' from.

While my arrival at Kerala is a happy occasion (atleast after the initial 20mins of his silence), farwells are getting tougher by the day. As he grows older, he understands that I am leaving
and starts making a big racket. So, for a few weeks, after reaching the station, I would have
my wife divert his attention, while I would move out of his sight & then my Dad would drive
off. Not entirely fool-proof, because he would make out my absence and start crying.

Later my Mom felt that this deception was not a good thing and it is better that I openly tell
him that I am leaving, give him a kiss and say 'Ta ta'. Her logic was that he is growing older
and understands things and it is better to be open with him. While I did not really think this would work, I did try it out for the last few weeks and to my surprise it worked just fine. For
a brief moment, I could see confusion/sadness on his face when I say my farewell & kiss him,
but then like a grown-up boy, his face would show understanding and he would say Ta-ta in return.

Ofcourse, I can't claim to be as brave as him after each farewell. As I board the train and for
the next hour or so, my thoughts are only about him and all my pretence of being an adult
who has control over his emotions just breaks and I cry inside, without any tears.